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Our country reached a boiling point of political friction this past week and much discussion has centered around the “many sides” involved. Most of the attention has been focused on the alt-right, but some have also discussed the actions of the alt-left.
But our main stream media, as always, fails to tell us the whole story. “Many” rarely refers to just two sides. So today, we need to focus on another sinister player in our midst. I am talking about the greatest scourge of them all: the radical rise of the alt-center.
Many of you will argue that we have grown as a society beyond the alt-center, their beliefs relics of an ancient past. With the rise of bitter partisanship, most of us wanted to believe that the alt-center had shriveled and died. No more middle ground!
Their stealth may be their greatest asset. Despite the festering sewage of their beliefs and the threat they represent to the American way of life, not a single hate monitoring group has the alt-center on their radar. For example, a deep review of the websites of such groups as the Anti-Defamation League and the Southern Poverty Law Center reveals not a single mention of the insidiousness of the alt-center.
Even law enforcement seems blissfully unaware of the threat. If you want proof of my claim, just ask the next law enforcement officer you see about the threat of the alt-center. The law enforcement community is in such denial that he or she may question your sanity rather than look at the facts.
As long as the alt-center remains in the shadows, lurking among us, they are able to plot and plan without detection. The extremely secretive, loose-knit group publishes no meeting agendas and has no headquarters, so the evidence of their existence is scant.
They don’t march, smash store windows, loot, burn or pillage like normal people to make their political points. They don’t wave flags or silly banners. They don’t wear masks to hide their identity. They don’t sing at giant rallies. They don’t light torches to recreate scenes from Frankenstein movies. They don’t chant catchy but meaningless phrases. They simply blend in, the camouflage perfect in crowds.
Even on social media, they maintain a very low profile. They don’t post factually questionable but emotionally effective memes on Facebook or Twitter. You can go days, weeks, or even months without spotting their garbage in your feed.
But they are there, in their secret corners of the treacherous internet, planning their subterfuge. If you are brave enough to tangle with them online, you can goad them into exposing themselves.
Let me outline a simple strategy to allow you to identify which of your friends is a secret member of the alt-center.
All you need to do is post one of those witty facts that you stole from your cousin’s ex-girlfriend’s aunt’s hairdresser’s son’s Facebook feed, such as your well-thought-out theory that the United Nations is a front for the Martian invasion who faked 9/11.
With the trap in place, just lean back and wait. Those in the alt-center simply can not allow logic like that go unchallenged. They can’t help themselves. Sooner or later, they will reach into the dark reaches of the shadowy internet and post a link to some evil fact-checking website.
The simple silliness of bringing facts to an internet debate shows how desperate they are. You have now exposed them for what they are – degenerate lovers of facts and statistics. With their hideous souls exposed for the world to see, they will try to deny the obvious – their membership in the alt-center. They may even deny knowledge of the alt-center’s existence.
But you will know you have identified one of the monsters. You have them in the spotlight for the world to see.
Once you have them identified, torment them. They deserve it. Point out that their favorite fact-checking website is secretly funded by a Putin-Koch-Clinton alliance.
Don’t worry about making such a claim. You will be able to find a website somewhere backing your claim, whatever it is. Trust me, with the help of Google, you can find anything.
After all, if it is on the internet, it must be true.
Well, except for that fact-checking website they used. That’s fake news.
So, if it is on the internet and it happens to agree with what you already believe, it is true, otherwise it is fake news. The rules are simple, but I am getting off track.
You might be wondering what the alt-center wants. What are their goals for society? What are their secret desires?
Like most fringe groups, their demands are unreasonable and totally unworkable. They would destroy society as we know it. Brace yourself, but their number one demand is . . . compromise.
Yes, I know, laughable, but they have this silly belief that both sides might have some valid points. Something about we should listen to each other, respect each other’s opinions, and think before reacting. They believe that with logic, compassion and understanding, we can develop long-term strategies to unite us as a country through compromise.
What garbage, right?
We all know what we want is for our political party to beat the crap out of the other political party. They are lying traitorous scum and we are the only true Americans.
Unless, of course, your party is the other party, in which I case I am going to unfriend you immediately. I can’t possibly have friends who don’t 100% conform to my beliefs.
Fortunately, we all know that logic, compassion, understanding and a desire to compromise has no place in American politics. Thankfully, we have made sure that no radical politician with those traits has been elected in decades.
And, yet, these alt-center radicals keep trying.
So, folks, I just wanted to warn you about the radical alt-center and bring them the attention that they deserve. Remember that our Founding Fathers never intended for us to use facts and logic to run this great country.
I would even provide a quote from the Federalist Papers to prove that, but that would just incite the alt-center to fill the comments with more fact-checking website links.
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